AFC North

Bad News Bengals: Faith and Incompetent

A football God lives in Cincinnati beneath Paul Brown Stadium. This demon has no face and his throat blocked off with Astroturf (to stop him from speaking truth to fans), ears filled with pylon to prevent him from hearing the cheers during the regular season.

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All faith aside, sports commentators give too much credit to the modern elite franchises. The New England Patriots are celebrated as well fit organizations, just because they can draft decent players and sign free agents without going over the cap.

They don’t need their starting quarterback and All-Pro Wide Receiver to buy tickets just to stay on the air. These stable franchises sell out home games and turn scrub waivers into Superbowl heroes. A star QB gets suspended for four games and they still get home field advantage. Down 25 points in the Superbowl … No problem we can always come.


The more relevant narrative is one of perpetual failure. No team has made improbable incompetence more serene than the Cincinnati Bengals front office. A playoff team in 2015 turned an impossible comeback into predictable heartbreak. History has been just as bad for the Bungles. Off-field arrests. Illegal hits. Drafting David Klinger. Drafting Akili Smith. Drafting a Running Back who makes Ray Rice cringe. Drafting an injury prone wide receiver. Oh Yeah. Zero wins in five playoff games let’s give the head coach a contract extension.

Witnessing this debacle of an organization is way more fun than watching the Patriots have a quiet off season while Robert Craft’s AFC Conference shoe-in team benefits from a well educated fan base with high incomes.

Cincinnati is the inbred child of poor management and divine intervention. The Bengals can make progress during the regular season. That’s not saying much. Note that 20 minutes way from the creationist museum sits a stadium that cost the city so much money they had to close a hospital or two.

The football God reveals himself come playoff time. The fans will be damned for worshiping a depraved owner and an unfit head coach. Fans should be thankful because nothing is expected of a team that who would place 3rd in the SEC.

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